BLUE The Repeating Cycle of Attachment Wounding. 1. The child is raised by a mother with mental health issues. She is not attuned to the child and numbs her pain with drugs and alcohol 2. The child learns that she cannot rely on her mother for comfort; she learns to stay out of the way and starts to care for herself 3. She develops an 'avoidant' attachment style 4. As a mother, she finds intimacy difficult and pushes her child away 5. The child develops either an avoidant or anxious attachment style 6. And the cycle continues

What is a Cycle Breaker?

March 29, 2021

We all have repeating patterns or ‘cycles’ in our family of origin. It might be repeating patterns of failed marriages, drug and alcohol problems, or family conflict.  You become a cycle breaker when you first see the cycle and then …

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When you have grown up in an unsafe environment, your nervous system is always on high alert, watching out for danger. Over time, it can be difficult for your nervous system to come back into a state of balance, so it becomes dysregulated. This might mean you feel stressed and anxious most of the time, and you might be jumpy and have extreme emotional reactions that you feel unable to control.⁣ ⁣

What You Need To Know About Dysregulation

March 29, 2021

When you have grown up in an unsafe environment, your nervous system is always on high alert, watching out for danger. Over time, it can be difficult for your nervous system to come back into a state of balance, so …

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What does abandoning yourself in an argument look like Your partner wants you to go to a casual work lunch, but you have a headache and don't feel like it. He feels uncomfortable for you to stay home because the food has been paid for. So you go, but you feel resentful and uncared for because you think he is prioritising the money for the food over your wellbeing. Your partner doesn't trust you with other men and argues that you would give him your social media passwords if there were nothing to hide. Nothing is going on, and you don't want him to have your passwords, but it feels easier than his constant jealousy. You give him the passwords and abandon yourself.

What Does Abandoning Yourself in an Argument Look Like

March 29, 2021

Sometimes, we only find out that we should have stood our ground more firmly AFTER the fact. It isn’t until we are sat at the work lunch, with a pounding head, having to make polite conversation, that it is obvious …

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Can Conflict Become A Way For a Couple To Connect? What would it be like if: You started to use conflict as a way to connect more deeply? Instead of using the disagreement to move further apart, you chose to get curious? You saw the conflict as an opportunity to get to know one another more deeply? You took the time to really hear the other person’s view? You allowed yourself to feel empathy for them without fear of abandoning yourself? You allowed your heart to soften as you hear their frustration or pain You allowed the conflict to be an avenue through which you can know your partner more intimately? When in conflict, you could get curious about yourself and your partner? You could remember that we all have wounds; maybe you are feeling yours now and seeing theirs? Through conflict, you could hold space for one another’s wounds and imperfections without withdrawing?

Can Conflict Become A Way For a Couple To Connect?

March 29, 2021

Conflict provides an opportunity for a deeper connection. Most of us are not taught this. We are taught that conflict is scary and to be avoided. We might have learnt from our family of origin that conflict results in physical …

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When we find ourselves experiencing the same pain AGAIN, it is our subconscious trying to heal our wounds.

Why Do We Often Experience The Same Patterns of Pain?

March 29, 2021

Have you ever asked yourself why you end up in the same situation feeling the same pain AGAIN? It might be feeling unnoticed by your boyfriend. Maybe he seems to prioritise everyone and everything else but you. In response, you …

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I haven’t heard from him in 4 days. I’m starting to feel anxious. Should I be regulating myself more? You haven’t heard from him in 4 days, and you are starting to feel anxious. You might start to think, Should I be regulating myself more? Ah, this is my anxious attachment playing out. I don’t want to be the clingy, insecure person. Should I text him again or not? ...

Is It Normal To Feel Anxious If I haven’t Heard From Them?

March 24, 2021

I just want to let you know that if you haven’t heard from him in 4 days, you are right to feel anxious! That’s a long time. Securely attached people will also find that odd. Even at the beginning of …

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You Don’t Have To Feel Broken To See A Therapist. You Can See A Therapist To: Make progress in areas you feel stuck Stop patterns repeating Help stop your negative self-talk Get clarity on a few things Improve your relationships Focus on yourself and your personal growth Be heard and validated by a neutral person Learn tools and techniques to lead a better life Get support

You Don’t Have To Feel Broken To See A Therapist.

March 24, 2021

Working with a therapist and going through a process of self-exploration and change is one of the most empowering experiences we can have. Most people have never been held in a safe, supporting, non-bias space where they can be truly …

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How to Give up Being Right and Accept Influence 1 – Listen to your partner without thinking about how you will defend your position. 2 – Try to find something in their point of view that is reasonable, a “kernel of truth”. You don’t have to agree with everything. 3 – Get creative and try to think of a solution that suits you both and makes space for this “kernel of truth”. 4 – Be willing to compromise; it will make your partner feel heard.

How to Give up Being Right and Accept Influence

March 22, 2021

Research in relationships shows that men find it more difficult than women to accept influence from their partners (see J. Gottman’s research). But, let’s face it, we can all love to win, and we are living in a culture that …

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How Having to Be Right Damages your Relationship and What to Do About it. Always having to be right comes from perfectionism – If you are not correct, you are not perfect One person feels wrong all the time; this can negatively affect self-esteem There is an imbalance in the relationship, with the ‘always right’ person having more power and perhaps being a bully When one person always has to be wrong, they may stop expressing their genuine opinion and withdraw from the relationship

How Having to Be Right Damages your Relationship and What to Do About it.

March 22, 2021

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who has to be right all the time? It can be so frustrating. Even when there is evidence that they are wrong, they won’t openly say, “oh, I was wrong”, they …

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How Many Days Does It Take to Change a Habit? (According to the Research) How long does it take to change a habit? You have probably heard 21 days, or maybe 30 or 40? In a recent study by University College London, they discovered that it takes an average of 66 days to change a habit like eating fruit at lunch. They also found, if you miss a day here or there, it doesn’t affect your results, but being diligent at the beginning has more impact.

How Many Days Does It Take to Change a Habit? (According to the Research)

March 22, 2021

When you ask Google how long it takes to break a habit, you’ll probably land on a number between 21 and 28 days. This number is not grounded in scientific evidence at all. When I have been working on changing …

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