Sometimes, when there are unresolved issues in a parental relationship, the focus shifts away from the adults and onto the child.
Instead of facing the tension or conflict between them, parents may begin to over-focus on one child. The child’s behaviour, struggles, or differences become a convenient distraction from what isn’t being addressed between the adults.
This child may be labelled “difficult” or “the problem.” They might be blamed, criticised, or pathologised — when in reality, they are carrying the emotional weight of the entire system.
We often refer to this child as the black sheep. But in many cases, they are simply the most sensitive or expressive member of the family — the one who reflects the dysfunction that others don’t want to face.
If this was you, you may have internalised shame, guilt, or a belief that you were the issue. You were not. You were responding to a system that made you carry too much.
Healing begins with recognising the pattern — and giving that younger part of you the understanding and compassion they always deserved. This can be done powerfully in therapy using modalities like Internal Family Systems.
Love, Jen 🪷
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