The Dynamic Between The Avoidant and The Securely Attached

Something I haven’t seen talked about anywhere else is the phenomenon where an avoidant will create an anxious attachment out of a normally securely attached person.⁣⁣⁣⁣

Can this happen? Yes! I know because I have had this experience myself. ⁣⁣⁣⁣

I grew up with a secure attachment to my mother, but historically (and I’m talking over 20 years ago) I can have side portions of anxious or avoidant depending on the person I am with and what is going on in my life. ⁣⁣⁣⁣

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With all of my partners, I had a secure attachment, the signals from my partners were those I was used to in an intimate relationship.  Then I bumped into an avoidant and I was TOTALLY confused. ⁣⁣⁣⁣

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The mixed messages were just crazy. One minute we are off on a weekend away together and it is fantastic, it is easy, the conversation is great, the intimacy is awesome. Then we get back and he backs right off. ⁣⁣⁣⁣

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What happened? I found myself second-guessing what was going on. I found myself feeling ANXIOUS! When I dated an avoidant, this was the first time it had ever happened to me. It felt horrid. Because I was getting mixed messages from him, I would back off. I would try not to get too invested. I really liked him, but it felt like too much hard work. ⁣⁣⁣⁣

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As a therapist, I now understand what was going on for him. As he moved closer to me, as a securely attached person, he would have felt that my distance was too close. He did want to be with me, but there was a part of him screaming internally to stay safe, don’t trust, remain an island.⁣⁣⁣⁣

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Have you ever had this dynamic show up in your life?⁣⁣⁣⁣

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If you know you have the ‘Mother or Father Wound’ you will love module 3 of the Relationship Cycle Breakers Course. Click the link in my bio to find out more and access my free training.

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Xx Jen