One Tip That Will Change the Way You Argue Imagine we are in the middle of an argument, and I say, “You are so lazy, just like my father, no get up and go”. This is focused on the CHARACTER of the person. Now, if I shift this to “I noticed that you didn’t do any housework today”, that is BEHAVIOUR focused. When I address the behaviour, there is room to change; when I address the character, it is set in stone. When in conflict, focus on BEHAVIOUR.

One Tip That Will Change the Way You Argue

March 1, 2021 0 Comments

There is a difference being attacking someone’s CHARACTER and attacking their BEHAVIOUR. When we are critical of someone’s character it is much more personal attack. When we attack a behaviour, there is more of a sense that the behaviour can be changed. Think about the difference between, “you are a bad person for doing that” and “you did a bad thing”. This is the difference between shame and guilt. When we speak to ourselves and say “I am a bad person” we are in shame, and when we say “I did a bad thing” we are in guilt. It is much healthier to stay in guilt than in shame.

Whenever you remember, comment on the behaviour rather than the character.

CategoriesHealing, Psychotherapy
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