Attachment adaptations are the result of experiencing different kinds of trauma during your childhood. They include what some have called “big-T trauma,” such as abuse, neglect, domestic violence, living in a war zone. They also encompass “small-t trauma,” like ongoing bullying, feeling unloved, repeatedly being told that you are stupid, or living with an adult where there is little emotional connection. Don’t dismiss small-t trauma as not being “real trauma,” small-t traumas build up, like a thousand tiny paper cuts, and significantly impact your emotional development and the adult you have become. Children “can be wounded in multiple ways: by bad things happening, yes, but also by good things not happening” (The Myth of Normal - Maté and Maté 2022, 23). When you are in the moment, experiencing an anxious attachment adaptation, and frustrated with yourself, you are likely unaware of the unresolved childhood trauma that sits behind it

Attachment Adaptations and Trauma

November 9, 2023 0 Comments

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book “Heal Your Anxious Attachment” landing Feb 2024. 

When you have one of the insecure attachment styles, it is easy to be self-critical and feel flawed in some way when you see yourself being anxious or avoidant in relationships.

It is helpful to keep in mind the cause of the insecurity. Essentially, it is the result of feeling unsafe in some way. Sometimes, in many different ways. When you feel unsafe as a child, you have to create safety in some way. You might have done this by staying close to your caregiver, avoiding them and shutting down. Whatever strategy you used was not a conscious choice. It was an adaptation to a confusing situation.

Next time you feel yourself falling into old patterns, remember this. I hope it will inspire self-compassion.

Much love, Jen

CategoriesBook Reviews, Healing, Psychotherapy, Relationships
Tags, , , , , , ,