So, it starts off great. It is AMAZING to finally be in a relationship with someone who appreciates and respects you. He is attentive, he calls and texts regularly and doesn’t leave you guessing. He does and says things that are consistent, he seems grounded and safe. He genuinely cares for you and makes it clear he want to have a relationship with you. Your whole body breathes a sigh of relieve. It is wonderful! The honeymoon is great!
Then your attachment stuff comes waltzing in.
Disorganised: “I like him, but he is a bit boring, I’m just not sure we have much in common. I want to be close to him, but I also feel repelled. Why does this always happen?”
If you have a disorganised attachment style it is likely that being in relationship with a securely attached person will feel BORING. You are used to chaos, to NOT getting your needs met. When you are in a relationship with someone who is grounded, calm, and stable, it can feel like there is no energy in it, like something is missing.
Of course, you don’t outwardly want to recreate your childhood chaos, in fact you hope to have left that far behind. But your subconscious wants to recreate what it knows: insecurity, instability, danger and even abuse.
You are used to the chaos, to lots of adrenaline, to NOT getting your needs met, so when you do it feels boring.
For the secure partner, he feels CONFUSED. He is into you; he lets you know he likes you and wants a relationship. One day you seem totally into the relationship and everything is ‘on’ and the next day you are shouting at him for not texting you back immediately. You assume he was with another woman; you are totally triggered and dysregulated. You feel out of control and hopeless.
This is your trauma. It is totally normal when you have experienced an abusive childhood to have this kind of experience in intimate relationship, to simultaneously want to be close and run away.
Know that you CAN heal from this with time and focus. See some of my previous posts on attachment.
Know that you didn’t deserve what happened to you as a child. You were just a child. You deserve love, intimacy and peace. Know that you CAN heal.
*Attachment theory by John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth & Main & Solomon