So, it starts great. It is AMAZING for the disorganised person to finally be in a relationship with someone who appreciates and respects you. Your new partner is attentive, calls and texts regularly and doesn’t leave you guessing. They do and say consistent things and seem grounded and safe. They genuinely care for you and make it clear they want to have a relationship with you. Your whole body breathes a sigh of relief. It is wonderful! The honeymoon is fantastic!
Then your attachment stuff comes waltzing in.
Disorganised: “I like them, but they are a bit boring. I’m just not sure we have much in common. I want to be close to them, but I also feel repelled. Why does this always happen?”
If you have a disorganised attachment style, being in a relationship with a securely attached person will likely feel BORING. You are used to chaos, to NOT getting your needs met. When you are in a relationship with someone who is grounded, calm, and stable, it can feel like there is no energy in it, like something is missing.
Of course, you don’t outwardly want to recreate your childhood chaos. You hope to have left that far behind. But your subconscious wants to recreate what it knows: insecurity, instability, danger and even abuse.
You are used to chaos, to lots of adrenaline, to NOT getting your needs met, so when you do, it feels boring.
For the secure partner, they feel CONFUSED. They are into you; they let you know they like you and want a relationship. One day you seem totally into the relationship, and everything is ‘on’, and the next day you are shouting at them for not texting them back immediately. They assume you were with another person; they are totally triggered and dysregulated.
This is their trauma. It is normal when they have experienced an abusive childhood to have this kind of experience in an intimate relationship, to want to be close and run away simultaneously.
If you have a disorganised style, know that you CAN heal from this with time and focus. See some of my previous posts on attachment.
Know that you didn’t deserve what happened to you as a child. You were just a child. You deserve love, intimacy and peace. Know that you CAN heal.
If you know you have one of the insecure attachment styles, then I think you will find my Relationship Cycle Breakers Course extremely helpful.
Attachment theory by John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth & Main & Solomon