Tag: communication

When to take a break during a difficult conversation: If you find you are flooded If you find you are becoming reactive If you notice something is going on for you You find yourself repeating yourself You have shut down You find yourself interrupting them to defend yourself You find yourself being disrespectful and saying things you will later regret You have stopped deeply listening to them You have become violent, physically or with your words

When To Take A Break During A Difficult Conversation:

May 20, 2021

According to the Gottman’s, 69% of relationship arguments are unsolvable, so it no surprise that they can cause so much frustration. Have you ever been in a situation where you are both feeling unheard, misunderstood and you are both starting …

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I get so upset when he doesn’t know what I need. Why is that? When our parents were dismissive of our needs, we learned that our needs didnt matter, and started to disconnect from our needs in general. So, it is not surprising, when your partner doesn't automatically know what you need, that you become genuinely distressed.

I Get So Upset When He Doesn’t Know What I Need. Why Is That?

April 20, 2021

There were so many comments on point 1 in yesterday’s post, ‘unrealistic relationship expectations: my partner should be able to read my mind’ that I thought it was worth unpacking.  It is often the case that we think we are …

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How to Shift a Criticism into a Complaint for More Effective Communication Criticism “You are so lazy and disrespectful; you leave all your dirty clothes all over the place.” Complaint “I feel sad when you leave your dirty clothes on the floor. I need you to put them in the basket.” Criticism "You are always spending too much money; you are completely unreliable". Complaint "I feel hurt and scared when you overspend. I need you to stick to the budget we agreed."

How to Shift a Criticism into a Complaint for More Effective Communication

February 24, 2021

If you grew up with a lot of criticism around you, as an adult it is likely that you have a loud critical voice in your head. Usually that critical voice is directed inwards, but in intimate relationships, many people …

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How to Escape the Toxic Criticism and Defensiveness Cycle Criticism: “You are so lazy and disrespectful; you leave all your dirty clothes all over the place.” Antidote: “I” statements: “I feel _________ about __________. I need ___________.” “I feel upset and sad when you leave your dirty clothes on the floor. I need you to put them in the basket.” Defensiveness: “It’s just a few things at the end of the day, nothing to get so worked up about.” Antidote: Taking some responsibility, even if it is just a little. “I hear you are annoyed/sad; I can be a bit messy sometimes.” Remember: Listen, validate, accept some responsibility, what can we / I change?

How to Escape the Toxic Criticism and Defensiveness Cycle

February 24, 2021

When someone comes at you with criticism, the natural response is to defend. Criticism is a form of attack, so it is natural to protect instinctively unless you know how criticism and defensiveness play out in a relationship. Those of …

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4 Ways of Communicating that will Destroy your Relationship

4 Ways of Communicating That Will Destroy Your Relationship

February 24, 2021

The Gottman’s have spent 40 years studying couple and relationships. They found four communication styles predict the failure of a relationship. The Gottman’s call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. First, to begin to work with our communication style, …

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We might want to say: “There’s nothing to get so anxious about.” But instead, Try: “I understand that you’re anxious, that makes sense, is there anything I can do?” We might want to give advice “well, rather than worrying you should try this or that… But Try Not giving advice, it can feel really dismissive when we are given advice. And if you have ideas, that’s great, but ask first – “Would you like some ideas, or would you prefer I just listen?”

How to Speak to Someone with Anxiety

February 16, 2021

???? When faced with someone experiencing high anxiety, rather than giving advice, which can feel invalidating, a better approach is to seek to understand how it is for the person. Let them know you are with them, and they are …

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Ideas for Managing In-LawsWork at having a unified front; your loyalty needs to be with your partner Remember, they might feel like they are losing their child, and control over their child Remember they have a different family culture to you, it’s not wrong, just different Communication as a couple, directly with them, not through a sibling or someone else Manage your expectations; they might not be able to live up to them Talk about the role you want your in-laws to have Have clear boundaries If there is an issue with a wife’s mother-in-law, her husband needs to step in to help and vice versa When two family cultures come together, some level of compromise on both sides is healthy

Ideas for Managing In-Laws

February 9, 2021

This is a personal one…for me, point 3, ‘manage your expectations’ was a huge learning with my in-laws. I grew up with basically six people in my family; my mum, dad, sister, nan, and grandad (my mother’s parents), and we …

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Boundaries with In-Laws I appreciate that you are worried about your son, but I prefer it if you speak to him directly. I know that you come and go from your daughter’s house, but we would prefer you to call ahead before you visit. I am a new mother, and I must have space to do it my way. We are new parents with a different parenting philosophy to you. We want you to be involved with the kids, but we would appreciate the space to parent our way. I understand that you disagree with some of your son’s choices, but he is an adult and will ask for advice if he needs it. Your son has enough love for both of us. Remember: With in-laws, it is important to be aligned with your partner. Ultimately, it is their family, and they should take the lead.

Boundaries with In-Laws

February 5, 2021

I have received many DMs about this, the struggle to merge two different families with differing expectations, norms, and values. The critical thing to remember with in-laws is to have a united front with your partner. This is where I …

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Boundaries at Work My team won’t have that done by this afternoon; I can have it done by lunch tomorrow. I am already at capacity. If I am to do this by lunchtime, what would you like me to let go of? Having daily downtime is good for mental health, so I will not check work emails after 7 pm I will not be available while I am on holiday I need to rest on the weekend, so I won’t be checking work emails. I WILL stay congruent with my values at work

Boundaries at Work

February 2, 2021

Like boundaries with family, boundaries at work can be incredibly tricky, especially if you have a boss pushing you to do more when you are already at capacity. With work, the ultimate threat is that you will be fired, which …

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Dating Boundaries I enjoy kissing, but not in public I am comfortable with intimate touch, but I’m not ready for more yet I am not comfortable sending nudes I love spending a day with you at the weekend, but not both days I like to text in the morning or evening, but not all-day I am ready for us to define our relationship I need us to have important conversations in person or on a video call, not text I won’t be available to talk after 10 pm When we go out, I like to split the bill or take turns

Dating Boundaries

February 2, 2021

Dating boundaries are important because they reflect the kinds of boundaries we have in other parts of our lives. If our boundaries are non-existent in the beginning, it can be challenging to re-instate them later on.  Dating boundaries can be …

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