I Get So Upset When He Doesn’t Know What I Need. Why Is That?

There were so many comments on point 1 in yesterday’s post, ‘unrealistic relationship expectations: my partner should be able to read my mind’ that I thought it was worth unpacking. 

It is often the case that we think we are making our needs clear, when our partner has no idea. This might stem from having a parent who denied your needs, was too busy or overwhelmed. So you learned to disconnect from your core needs. Asking for anything might have become tainted with fear. So we learn to ask quietly, so quietly, that as an adult, we are not heard. 

And when we are not heard, we feel that familiar pain. The pain of not feeling valued, of being afraid to take up space, of not being loved. 

This will often leave your partner feeling confused. They can see you are in a lot of pain, and it seems to be about something they have or haven’t done, but they are not clear exactly what has happened and what you need.

The trick here is to get clear about what you need, validate yourself, you ARE allowed to have needs and then communicate that need without shame or expectation that the other person will be able to meet it. It sounds so simple!!! But, in practice, it takes time. 

We walk through this process in detail in my upcoming course ‘Relationship Cycle Breaker’. If you are interested in learning more, click here

Wherever you are on your healing journey, know that healing IS possible. 

Love, Jen

I get so upset when he doesn’t know what I need.
Why is that?

When our parents were dismissive of our needs, we learned that our needs didnt matter, and started to disconnect from our needs in general. 

So, it is not surprising, when your partner doesn't automatically know what you need, that you become genuinely distressed.