Category: Healing

3 Tips for when you are feeling defensive: Ask yourself where you CAN take some responsibility in this situation? (Not doing this can result in forms of gaslighting). Is the complaint or criticism real, or am I making it personal to me? How can I hear what my partner is trying to tell me? How can I validate their experience before I try to share my own?

3 Tips to Reduce Your Defensiveness

March 1, 2021

The four communication styles that have a negative impact on your relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Everyone will have a favoured method. Mine is defensiveness. Defensiveness is a response to criticism and tends to increase conflict because the other …

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One Tip That Will Change the Way You Argue Imagine we are in the middle of an argument, and I say, “You are so lazy, just like my father, no get up and go”. This is focused on the CHARACTER of the person. Now, if I shift this to “I noticed that you didn’t do any housework today”, that is BEHAVIOUR focused. When I address the behaviour, there is room to change; when I address the character, it is set in stone. When in conflict, focus on BEHAVIOUR.

One Tip That Will Change the Way You Argue

March 1, 2021

There is a difference being attacking someone’s CHARACTER and attacking their BEHAVIOUR. When we are critical of someone’s character it is much more personal attack. When we attack a behaviour, there is more of a sense that the behaviour can …

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How to Shift a Criticism into a Complaint for More Effective Communication Criticism “You are so lazy and disrespectful; you leave all your dirty clothes all over the place.” Complaint “I feel sad when you leave your dirty clothes on the floor. I need you to put them in the basket.” Criticism "You are always spending too much money; you are completely unreliable". Complaint "I feel hurt and scared when you overspend. I need you to stick to the budget we agreed."

How to Shift a Criticism into a Complaint for More Effective Communication

February 24, 2021

If you grew up with a lot of criticism around you, as an adult it is likely that you have a loud critical voice in your head. Usually that critical voice is directed inwards, but in intimate relationships, many people …

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How to Escape the Toxic Criticism and Defensiveness Cycle Criticism: “You are so lazy and disrespectful; you leave all your dirty clothes all over the place.” Antidote: “I” statements: “I feel _________ about __________. I need ___________.” “I feel upset and sad when you leave your dirty clothes on the floor. I need you to put them in the basket.” Defensiveness: “It’s just a few things at the end of the day, nothing to get so worked up about.” Antidote: Taking some responsibility, even if it is just a little. “I hear you are annoyed/sad; I can be a bit messy sometimes.” Remember: Listen, validate, accept some responsibility, what can we / I change?

How to Escape the Toxic Criticism and Defensiveness Cycle

February 24, 2021

When someone comes at you with criticism, the natural response is to defend. Criticism is a form of attack, so it is natural to protect instinctively unless you know how criticism and defensiveness play out in a relationship. Those of …

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Number 1 - CONNECTION – being with supportive people, not isolating, accepting help, joining a group that could build joy in your life. Number 2 - NURTURE WELLBEING – get a minimum of 7 hours sleep a night, eat plenty of fruit and veg, exercise, meditate. Number 3 – PURPOSE – do service, help others, have realistic goals Number 4 – HEALTHY MIND SPACE – Try some CBT techniques, learn to accept what you can’t change, look for the positive, start a gratitude practice.

4 Tips for Building Resilience

February 24, 2021

Resilience is “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress” and can be developed by everyone.⁣⁠???????????????? ???????????? ???????????????? ???????????????????????????? ???????????????????????????? ???????????????????? ???????? ???????????????????????????????????????? ????????????????????????????????:⁣⁠⁣⁠What can I do to increase connection …

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Tips for the ‘Struggle’ Stage of a Relationship Make time to talk about what is going on Listen as much as you want to be heard Resist ignoring recurring problems Seek ways to deal with difficult issues together Make time to connect with each other and have fun Offset the negativity by focusing on ONE thing you love about your partner Avoid being passive-aggressive or threatening with ultimatums

Tips for the ‘Struggle’ Stage of a Relationship

February 23, 2021

It is normal to have conflict and struggle in a relationship. When you begin a relationship, you usually spend a while in the honeymoon phase and lose part of yourselves as you enter the intoxicating phase of merging. As your …

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Questions for You During the ‘Differences’ Stage of Relationship How much of what we have been doing together in the honeymoon phase are things that my partner likes? What are the things that I enjoy and am I making time for them? Are our care values similar? They have different spiritual beliefs to me; can we co-exist and live with these differing beliefs? They are a spender, and I’m a saver. Will we be able to negotiate our financial life together? If you have differing dreams, are there similar parts? Or is this a deal-breaker? Do you have similar sex drives? If not, how will you navigate this? If one wants children and the other doesn’t, is this a relationship where both will be fulfilled? Do the areas of alignment vastly outweigh the areas of difference?

Questions for You During the ‘Differences’ Stage of Relationship

February 23, 2021

This is the phase where we step back from the intense merging of the honeymoon phase, we take off the rose-tinted glasses and ask ourselves if we can live with the reality of the other person. It is easy to …

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Questions for the Honeymoon Stage What are your non-negotiables in our relationship? What are your two strongest needs? Who are your close friends, and what do you love about them? What do you enjoy doing when we are together? What do you worry about? What are your dreams for your life? When do you feel my love for you the most? What do you enjoy regarding our physical intimacy? Do you want children, how many? How do you feel about debt? How important is money to you? Are you a saver or a spender? Where do you see yourself living? Are you close to your family? What is your family like? What are your religious or spiritual beliefs? Which of those beliefs would you like to pass on to your children? What are your three strongest values? What doesn’t feel important to you? What do you regret the most? What is your most outstanding achievement? How do you handle stress? What is your relationship with drugs and alcohol? How do you handle conflict?

Questions for the Honeymoon Stage

February 23, 2021

The honeymoon stage usually lasts up to two years but will vary for every relationship. It is the time when we fall in love, Hollywood style. You are both wearing your rose-tinted glasses, you spend a lot of time together, …

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why are family secrets toxic

Why are Family Secrets Toxic?

February 23, 2021

???????????? ???????????? ???????????????? ???????? ???????????????? ???? ???????????????????????? ???????????? ???????? ???????????????????? ???????? ???????????????? ????????????????????????? ⁣⁠⁣⁠Keeping secrets in families, especially across generations can be harmful for the family and the holder of the secret.⁣⁠⁣⁠Take the example above. Here the mother and child …

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The Five Stages of Relationship

The Five Stages of Relationship

February 16, 2021

Reminder: it is NORMAL to have conflict in a relationship. Excellent relationship researchers, the Gottman’s, discovered that it was not the number of disputes that determined if a relationship was robust or not, but how the couple resolved the conflict. …

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