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Before You Apologise Do This…

ByJennifer Nurick
Let’s say that you said you were going to tidy up today, and it gets to the end of the day, and you haven't done it,t and you know that you haven't kept your word and need to apologise. Before you apologise, take a moment to ask the other person how your action or non-action has impacted them. This might sound like, “I know I said I would tidy up today, and I haven't. But before I start explaining why I haven't done it and apologise, I want to hear about how this has impacted you.” They might share that they feel let down and don't want to feel like they are living in a huge mess; it’s stressful.” I might respond with empathy, “Yes, I get that. It makes sense that you would feel let down and don't like everything being a mess. I get it. I would probably feel the same in your situation.” It takes courage to listen to how your actions have impacted someone else, but it makes for a much more complete repair. If we apologise too soon, we are apologising for our assumed impact, not the actual impact we have caused.

Before apologising, ask the other person to share the IMPACT it has had on them.

Life changing.

Love, Jen

(Inspired by a lecture given at IFS Level 1 training by Emma Diamond – Australia)

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Jennifer Nurick is a Master's-qualified Clinical Psychotherapist, attachment and trauma therapist and couples therapist with over 20 years in private practice. She helps adults and couples heal anxious and avoidant attachment, childhood trauma and recurring relationship patterns, drawing on IFS, EMDR and Emotionally Focused Therapy. Jennifer is the author of Heal Your Anxious Attachment (New Harbinger), host of the Psychotherapy Central Podcast and founder of Psychotherapy Central.

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