The key with the avoidantly attached is to remember that when they pull back, they are often just as upset as you. It is their coping mechanism that pulls them into solitude to self-soothe. This is how they did it as a child, so it feels safe.
The challenge for you as a couple is to keep exploring the pulling back and how it is for them and how it affects you, and what small changes you can both make in your thinking and behaviour to start changing the relational patterns.
A small change might be:
(Avoidant) When we have a conflict, I won’t leave the room. I will sit quietly on the sofa, but I’d still like to be alone.
(Partner) When we have conflict, and you want to be alone, I will remind myself that you are also upset but that you soothe through time alone. I will take time to settle myself through yoga or breathing exercises while your partner takes space.
If you want to hear more about the avoidant style, I have a chapter in my upcoming book Chapter 7 – ‘Reaching out for Connection’, which dives into this style and the relational patterns that result and how to shift them. It has practical tables and tools to use to make real change.
Love to all,
Jen
