When You Don’t Speak Your Partner’s Love Language And It Feels Like An Effort

Maybe your partner wants acts of service. They have told you numerous times that acts of service makes them feel loved, but you find it difficult to give. It is just not something you do to show love. Maybe your love language is words of affirmation, so you give your partner lots of affirmation, but that is not what they are craving, they are craving demonstrations of your love. They want you to help with chores around the house, to make them special meals, to do their ironing when you do yours, to wash their car when they are too busy or to organise a birthday celebration.

Acts of service was not a love language I grew up with, so I find when people do things for me, I am grateful, but it doesn’t make me feel loved. It is just not a way I communicate love. As an adult, I spent a lot of time with someone I wanted to be close to who had acts of service as their love language. They would do special things with me in mind. I appreciated what they did, but they didn’t make me feel loved. As my love languages are words of affirmation and touch, we were literally speaking different languages to one another and not communicating our affection effectively at all.

When I first heard about the love languages, I realised we had love communication issues, that I needed to teach myself to FEEL their love through their acts of service. When they did something with me in mind I would say in my head “Ah, this is them giving me a big hug and telling me they love me”.

Did it feel as good as a real hug and words would have? No, but I learned to feel more love from them than I had before.

Would this have worked in an intimate relationship? Maybe with focus and practice. I think in intimate relationship, if you have at least one love language in common, it makes communicating love a LOT easier. If your languages are completely different, it doesn’t mean the relationship is impossible, it just needs a little more focus in the area of communicating love.


Does it feel like an effort to give your partner love in the way they enjoy receiving it?

What might you do or change in order to speak their language more frequently?

As always, much love on your healing journey


When You Don’t Speak Your Partner’s Love Language And It Feels Like An Effort