According to the Gottman’s (excellent relationship researchers), 69% of relationship conflict is unsolvable. These are perpetual problems that stem from fundamental differences in beliefs or personality. They will be something that you return to as a couple repeatedly and often feel like you are not getting anywhere.
These can range from significant issues, like what country you will live in as a couple, to the way you hang up the clothes. Differences in perspective, values and upbringing will all play a part in these perpetual problems.
Knowing that 69% of problems are unsolvable, yet many relationships endure, shows us that it is NOT the fact that there are problems in the relationship that means it will break down. Both happy and unhappy couples have these perpetual problems. But instead, it is how the couple deals with these recurring issues. Happy couples have learned to stay emotionally safe with one another despite these problems.
It could be helpful to list your perpetual problems. To know that they are unsolvable and limit the time you spend discussing these issues. It can be beneficial to see a therapist together and get support unpacking the problem with significant problems.
If you feel safe, let me know if you identify with having a perpetual problem by dropping me a comment. I know I do.
Love on your healing journey, Jen