It is a fairytale to expect that love, desire and connection will be provided by our partner all of the time. That they will be able and willing to attend to us all of the time, to attune to us or to help us heal.
A relationship is a co-creation; you both add energy to it to help it grow in the direction you would like. Building trust, learning to turn towards each other in moments of rupture. In small moments where trust is tested and affirmed, we build bricks, which can build a mansion.
Everything changes when we are in a relationship where we both want to be good for one another.
We ask:
- What do they need to feel safe right now, AND what do I need to feel safe?
- What do they bring to the relationship that I value, AND what do I bring to the relationship they value?
- How can I best support my partner, AND how would I like to be supported by my partner?
When we think like this, we can shift the relational perspective, neither putting our partner’s needs above our own nor our needs above theirs; we hold them with equal weight and validity.
This creates a solid foundation for a beautiful mansion.
Let me know if this resonates with you.
Love, Jen
