What if your personality… isn’t actually your personality?
After more than twenty years as a psychotherapist, one of the biggest shifts in my thinking has been this: many of the things we judge most harshly about ourselves aren’t actually personality traits.
The perfectionist. The anxious part. The controlling part.
They’re often protective parts that developed when we were very young to help us survive.
The beautiful thing is that when we stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and start asking, “What is this part trying to protect me from?” everything begins to change.
The Controlling Part
Most controlling people aren’t trying to control others… they’re trying to feel safe.
Imagine a little girl growing up with an unpredictable alcoholic father. Some days he’s loving. Other days he’s frightening. A protective part develops that believes, “If I can just keep the house clean, keep everyone quiet and stop problems before they happen, maybe everyone will be safe.”
Fast forward thirty years and people describe her as controlling.
But through the lens of parts work, we see something very different. We don’t see a controlling woman. We see a protective part that’s still trying to keep a little girl and the people she loves safe.
The Question That Changes Everything
The next time you notice yourself becoming anxious, reactive, or controlling don’t ask, “What’s wrong with me?”
Instead ask, “What is this part trying to protect me from?”
That single question moves you out of self-judgment and into self-compassion. Instead of fighting that part, you begin understanding it. And in my experience, that’s where healing begins.
The Parts You Judge the Most
The parts you judge the most… may be the parts that have loved you the most.
Think about that for a moment.
The anxious part. The perfectionist. The part that keeps everyone happy.
These aren’t bad parts. They’re protective parts that stepped in when life didn’t feel safe. They worked incredibly hard to protect you.
Healing doesn’t begin when we get rid of them. Healing begins when we understand them, appreciate what they’ve been trying to do, and help them realise they don’t have to carry that burden alone anymore.
There Is Nothing Wrong With You
If there is one thing I hope people understand, it’s that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you.
So many of us spend years believing we’re too anxious, too needy or too much. But what if those very parts of you have simply been working incredibly hard to keep you safe?
I’ve watched this change thousands of times in therapy. When people stop judging their protective parts and start becoming curious about them, something begins to soften.
That’s why I have so much hope. Healing isn’t about becoming someone different. It’s about helping those protective parts realise the danger has passed, so the real you can begin to shine through.
Start Healing Your Inner Child
The Inner Child Healing Course is a 5-module programme that teaches you how to reconnect with — and reparent — the younger parts of yourself that are still carrying old wounds. At just $97, it’s the most direct path to improved self-regulation, deeper self-compassion, and healthier relationships.
Discover more from Jennifer Nurick
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.