“What if I told you that some of the things you call your personality… aren’t actually your personality?”
After more than twenty years as a psychotherapist, one of the biggest shifts in my thinking has been this: many of the things we judge most harshly about ourselves aren’t personality traits at all. The people-pleaser. The perfectionist. The anxious part. The controlling part. They’re often protective parts that developed when we were very young to help us survive.
The beautiful thing is that when you stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and start asking, “What is this part trying to protect me from?” everything begins to change.
Most Controlling People Aren’t Trying to Control Other People — They’re Trying to Feel Safe
Imagine a little girl growing up with an unpredictable father. She learns to keep the house spotless, the younger siblings quiet, and to notice every change in his mood. A protective part develops that believes, “If I can control enough of the environment, maybe everyone will be safe.”
Fast forward thirty years and her family says she’s controlling. But it’s simply a protective part still trying to keep a little girl safe. People often judge the control. They miss the love underneath it.
What if your most frustrating behaviours are actually trying to protect you?
The Parts You Judge the Most May Be the Parts That Have Loved You the Most
The anxious part. The perfectionist. The part that shuts people out. The people-pleaser. The controlling part. These aren’t bad parts. They’re parts that stepped in when life didn’t feel safe. They worked incredibly hard to protect you.
Healing doesn’t begin when we get rid of these parts. It begins when we finally understand them.
So maybe just for today, let’s practice meeting your parts with curiosity instead of criticism.
One Question That Changes Everything
The next time you notice yourself feeling anxious, people-pleasing, shutting down or trying to control everything around you, don’t ask, “What’s wrong with me?”
Instead ask, “What is this part trying to protect me from?”
That single question moves you out of self-judgment and into self-compassion. And in my experience as a psychotherapist, that’s where healing begins.
Children Don’t Choose Personalities — They Develop Protective Parts
As children, we adapt to whatever environment we’re born into. Some parts learn to become quiet. Others become perfect. Others become funny, helpful or fiercely independent.
Those adaptations can become so familiar that we mistake them for our personality. But healing isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about helping those protective parts realise they don’t have to work so hard anymore.
Start Healing Your Inner Child
The Inner Child Healing Course is a 5-module programme that teaches you how to reconnect with — and reparent — the younger parts of yourself that are still carrying old wounds. At just $97, it’s the most direct path to improved self-regulation, deeper self-compassion, and healthier relationships.
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