7 Communication Skills That Will Change Your Relationship

๐€ ๐ ๐ซ๐ž๐š๐ญ ๐ฏ๐š๐ฅ๐ข๐๐š๐ญ๐ข๐ง๐  ๐ฌ๐ญ๐š๐ญ๐ž๐ฆ๐ž๐ง๐ญ ๐ฆ๐ข๐ ๐ก๐ญ ๐›๐ž ๐ฌ๐จ๐ฆ๐ž๐ญ๐ก๐ข๐ง๐  ๐ฅ๐ข๐ค๐ž: โ€œ๐ˆ ๐ซ๐ž๐š๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฒ ๐ ๐ž๐ญ ๐ก๐จ๐ฐ ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฌ๐ž๐ญ๐ญ๐ข๐ง๐  ๐ญ๐ก๐š๐ญ ๐ฐ๐š๐ฌ ๐Ÿ๐จ๐ซ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ, ๐ข๐ญ ๐ฆ๐š๐ค๐ž๐ฌ ๐ฌ๐ž๐ง๐ฌ๐ž ๐ฐ๐ก๐ฒ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ฐ๐ž๐ซ๐ž ๐ฌ๐จ ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฌ๐ž๐ญ ๐š๐›๐จ๐ฎ๐ญ ๐ญ๐ก๐š๐ญ.โ€โฃ โฃ

I canโ€™t overemphasise how healing it is to hear, โ€œthe way you feel is valid. I understand why you are so upset. It makes sense,โ€, especially to people who were invalidated as children.โฃ โฃ โฃโ 

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๐’๐จ ๐ฆ๐š๐ง๐ฒ ๐ฉ๐ž๐จ๐ฉ๐ฅ๐ž ๐ ๐ซ๐ž๐ฐ ๐ฎ๐ฉ ๐ข๐ง ๐ก๐จ๐ฆ๐ž๐ฌ ๐ฐ๐ก๐ž๐ซ๐ž ๐ญ๐ก๐ž๐ข๐ซ ๐ž๐ฑ๐ฉ๐ž๐ซ๐ข๐ž๐ง๐œ๐ž๐ฌ ๐ฐ๐ž๐ซ๐ž ๐ง๐จ๐ญ ๐ฏ๐š๐ฅ๐ข๐๐š๐ญ๐ž๐. As a child, did you ever know a fight was going on, but when you asked, your parents said nothing was happening?โฃ โฃ โฃโ 

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As a child, did you ever get upset about something and be told you were overreacting? Many times in our childhood, we are inadvertently shamed for our feelings, knowing, and even our very presence.โฃโฃโ 

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๐—ช๐ž ๐œ๐š๐ซ๐ซ๐ฒ ๐ญ๐ก๐จ๐ฌ๐ž ๐ฐ๐จ๐ฎ๐ง๐๐ฌ ๐š๐ฌ ๐š๐๐ฎ๐ฅ๐ญ๐ฌ. The fear of not being heard, of not being validated. We even expect that the people will not validate our version of reality we care about; we expect it to be dismissed. โฃ โฃ โฃโ 

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This is why, especially for people with insecure attachment styles, it is essential to receive validation. ๐“๐ก๐ž ๐ฌ๐š๐Ÿ๐ž๐ฌ๐ญ ๐ฉ๐ฅ๐š๐œ๐ž ๐ญ๐จ ๐ซ๐ž๐œ๐ž๐ข๐ฏ๐ž ๐ฏ๐š๐ฅ๐ข๐๐š๐ญ๐ข๐จ๐ง ๐ข๐ฌ ๐ฐ๐ข๐ญ๐ก ๐š ๐ญ๐ก๐ž๐ซ๐š๐ฉ๐ข๐ฌ๐ญ, with someone who has been trained to hear deeply, validate, and be curious. This is where therapy is a healing process. โฃ โฃ โฃโ 

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It takes practice to learn to hear someone. We have to be willing, for a time, to put aside our own experiences and agendas to make space for someone elseโ€™s experience to be heard and held in the space between us.โฃ โฃ โฃโ 

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This can be a magical experience and bring renewed intimacy, understanding, compassion, security, and love into the relationship. โฃ โฃ โฃโ 

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Do you remember a time after feeling invalidated, you felt validated? What did that feel like for you? โฃ โฃ โฃ

โฃLove Jen โฃโ 

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*Adapted from Gottman Method Couples Therapy โ€“ John & Julie Gottmanโฃโฃโ