What Does A Secure, Healthy Relationship Look Like?

  • GOOD COMMUNICATION – repairing ruptures quickly, communicating wants and needs
  • COMPROMISE – being able to BOTH let go sometimes
  • VALIDATED FEELINGS – we might agree with what is being said, but we hear each other
  • TRUST – we can lean into each other and have each other’s back
  • BOUNDARIES – are clear and constant, it creates safety
  • SAFETY – I feel safe in this relationship
  • INTERDEPENDENCE – not co-dependence
  • SELF-SOOTHING – both are able to self-soothe when needed
  • BIDS FOR CONNECTION – responded to positively
  • VALUES & GOALS – are these aligned
  • QUALITY TIME – together and apart
  • DIFFERENCES – there will be some, you respect each other’s differences
  • EXPECTATIONS – your expectations of the relationship and each other are realistic
  • GIVING – you BOTH contribute to the relationship equally
  • THERE IS A STRONG SENSE OF ‘WE’ – whilst maintaining your own identity
  • FAMILY AND FRIENDS – you both make space for one another’s friends and family
  • ALLOWING GROWTH – allowing change in both and holding space for that
  • ALLOWING TRIGGERS – and working through them

I have been asked a lot recently, what does a healthy relationship look like? What are the people who have secure relationships doing? They have learnt, over time, how to balance the ‘we’ and the ‘me’, to repair the inevitable ruptures that come whenever you are in relationship. Unless we are completely conflict avoidant, which is unhealthy, there will be disagreements. This is natural. The gold is in the repairing, not in the crack.

You might read through this list and notice one or two area for you both to focus on for the next month. I have found doing relationship work together promotes understanding of one another and intimacy.