Understanding an Anxiously Attached Partner

Remember that for the anxiously attached person, SAFETY is critical. So, things like checking out other men in his presence will make him feel unsafe and act out. They are also prone to jealousy because of a deep feeling of not being enough.

Inconsistent behaviour is a trigger for the anxiously attached, so being consistent in your commitment to the relationship will mean a lot. This experience of inconsistency as a child led to hypervigilance towards the mother and an over-sensitivity to the partner as an adult. If you feel a bit down, they may take it personally and wonder what they have done. Let them know it is not personal and that you care for them. Anxiously attached people need to hear this regularly. Research has recently shown that honest gratitude for your partner also decreases attachment anxiety. 

The anxiously attached person has some work to do to overcome their expectations of rejection and any low self-worth. This CAN be achieved through a therapeutic process with a qualified counsellor. If it can be done whilst being in a loving, supportive relationship with a partner, amazing change can occur. 

The attachment styles do not have to be for life. 

Attachment theory by John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth & Main & Solomon