This is an oldie, but a goodie. This conversation was totally unprompted, she had no idea what I was going to ask her. How amazing is it that the first thing she says is tone and softness of voice! This shows the impact of using a soothing tone when a child or person you love is dysregulated. The importance of focusing on their state rather than what has actually happened (unless they are in immediate danger of some kind).
We can only use a calming voice if we as partners or parents are calm ourselves. If we are not feeling calm when our partner or child is dysregulated, what do we need to do in that moment? I use self-talk a lot. I might say something to myself like, “I can see that she has hurt herself, but I don’t think anything is broken, and if she needs to go to the hospital, that is okay, I’ll take her and she will be okay.”
Then when I speak to her to soothe her there is a calm in my voice, because I am genuinely calm. I am there for her. Whatever has happened, I have got this and she is safe. I will do whatever needs to be done to make sure she is safe and well.
Feel how reassuring that is. As adults, part of us still wants this reassurance from another person. It can be incredibly stabilising to have someone in your life who is there for you no matter what. It might be a parent, sibling, friend, or partner. Yes, we need to be there for ourselves all the time, and humans are social creatures, we need connection and this kind of connection helps to create safety and stability.
Whose back do you have in this way? That no matter what has happened, you will do whatever you can to make sure they are safe and well. If you feel to, give them a tag in this post and let them know.
Big love to all,