Creating a Secure Attachment Style – Part 4

Usually we are subconsciously looking to the world to affirm our deepest beliefs about ourselves. This happens in a part of our brain called the reticular activating system. This part of the brain will notice things that align with our beliefs about the world.

If we want to start to change how we think about the world we need to focus the mind.

For example, have you ever been single, and every eligible man is taken? Suddenly, they are everywhere… all these amazing, (taken) men. Your belief is that all the good ones are gone, so of course, that is what you notice. When you start to shift your focus towards the great (available) single men, things start to shift. You see them on TV, meet them in cafes, at work and on the street, everywhere!

Now, you CAN turn this on yourself. Rather than noticing what is NOT right or good enough, try noticing ONE thing about yourself that you really like or admire. Just ONE to start. Write it on your hand. Repeat it regularly. Let it sink in as the truth, because it IS the truth.

Train your reticular activator to look for what you WANT to see. I have done this with myself and thousands of clients with huge of success. Rather than focusing on our failures, focus on the successes. Write a list and read it every morning. It changes the whole day and can lift you into a world of positivity.

It takes time and focus to change the internal scripts you have grown up with and have been your reality, but it can be done.

If you want to know what it feels like to be securely attached and have a secure internal home-base, see below:

Here are some secure-base script examples from the research (see comments):

  1. If something happens, I can approach someone I trust for help.
  2. That person will be available and able to support me – there is a general view that others want to help when they can – they don’t worry about being criticised or rejected for needing help.
  3. Comfort and support will come from the other person.

*Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., Sapir-Lavid, Y., & Avihou-Kanza, N. (2009). What’s inside the minds of securely and insecurely attached people? The secure-base script and its associations with attachment-style dimensions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 97(4), 615–633.