If you grew up with a lot of criticism around you, you likely have a loud, critical voice in your head as an adult. Usually, that critical voice is directed inward, but in intimate relations
Criticism usually grows out of the fertile soil of not feeling heard. You explain over and over, you talk, you discuss, but nothing changes. Over time, your communication becomes critical; you listen to yourself talking like your parents and saying things you know are mean and unkind. The next thing you know, you are in a rut. You are critical, and they are defensive.
When you recognise this situation, this is the moment of power. Now that you know you are doing it, you have a choice to continue or to shift the way you communicate.
Remember to use ‘I’ statements. “I feel ____________, when ____________happens. I need ____________”.
Notice how much softer you feel when you use the ‘I’ statements. We can be much harsher when we are in “You” mode. Switching it to “I” and staying focused on our real feelings creates a softness.
I am always struck by how misleading conflicts can be. It might be that the battle is over dirty clothes being left around the house, but when you tune into your feelings around it, it makes you feel unappreciated. Where else have you felt unappreciated? Is this something your mother or father felt? What would you need to feel appreciated?
Love, Jen
