Up until age two, our brain is growing at a furious rate. The neurons are connecting, and the brain is being wired, literally. In the relationship with our primary caregiver (usually the mother), we are being wired for relationship.
If the primary carer is not available or inconsistent in their availability, or even abusive, the created attachment bond that results is called ‘insecure’. Researchers have identified three distinct insecure styles:
- Ambivalent/anxious – develops clingy and insecure traits as an adult
- Avoidant – develops intimacy issues and can be ‘cold’ as an adult
- Disorganised – this is a combination of the two above – flips between being clingy and distancing. Often, the result of trauma in the relationship with the mother.
This first relational ‘imprint’ continues into adulthood. We have unconscious expectations that the person we are in an adult intimate relationship with will behave like our mother did.
If you read through the list and feel that you fall into one of the three insecurely attached groups and have felt the pain of that attachment style repeatedly in your intimate relationships, in your friendships and at work, know that you CAN help yourself.
One of the things we will be looking at in my upcoming course, ‘ Relationship Cycle Breaker,’ are practical ways to rewire our personality for more fulfilling relationships. You CAN go back and rewire that original attachment to create profound shifts and healing in your adult life. I have seen it happen again and again in therapy, so have hope.
If you are ready to start your healing journey, click here and go to ‘Relationship Cycle Breaker Course’ to find out more.
Love always, Jen
