The image that I had frozen in my mind was on my wedding day. After a year of turmoil, I walk to the top of the staircase to walk down the aisle. My parents and the bridesmaids have all gone before me and are waiting at the front. All eyes are on me. I stand there alone, in shoes, I’d never usually wear, feeling vulnerable and exposed, realising that I hadn’t considered having to walk down there alone.
“Here we go – what a bloody performance” (I would much rather have got married alone in a forest, to be honest).
This is the image I work within the EMDR session. I stand at the top, not wanting to be there at all (We do a round of eye movements – I’ll just call it EM from now on).
I take one step down the stairs “let’s just get this over with. I can do it” (EM).
I take another step “This is so annoying that I have to do this ridiculous performance” (EM).
I’m halfway down the stairs and my husband-to-be is at the bottom talking to me – Me speaking: “Do you know what a pain all of this is for me? This is a big ask.” (EM). (this didn’t happen in real life – my mind is working through different elements to find a natural resolution).
I’m still standing halfway. “I need you to acknowledge just what a nuisance all of this is for me – it’s a lot” (EM).
He nods. He says, “I know. Are you ready yet? (EM).
“I just need you to know that this goes on for years; it’s years of dealing with this” (EM).
Then I’m ready to walk down, and suddenly he is at the front with the retinue waiting for me.
Then my mum and dad are there to walk me down the aisle. I feel emotional as soon as I see my dad (EM).
I feel incredibly protective of him, knowing how exposed he felt (EM).
Suddenly, my husband is on the other side of him, protecting him, and the four of us walk down the aisle together (EM).
I recall the original image, and the charge has completely gone. We put in the positive thought, and when I think of the picture again, I see myself laughing at the top of the stairs as if the whole thing is a big joke. The energy has completely changed.
Let me know if you have tried EMDR and how it was for you in the comments.
Big love, Jen