I turned 45 years old. I was wondering how reaching what I hope will be the middle of my life would feel.
Like many 45-year-olds, I’m aware of my aging skin, the increased amount of beautiful silver hair on my head, the increased softness under my upper arms and the sporadic back aches. It is strange to feel my body changing. Strange and beautiful.
When I feel my body from the inside, I feel a deep peace. I know my body. I have spent time with her, inside of her, especially through the Focusing and other somatic work I regularly do. My body is my friend, and I will not hate her for aging as she is meant to. I see the softness of her, and I smile. I smile with the knowing that I am moving into a different phase of womanhood.
Over the years, I moved through some big milestones in my life. I have moved overseas, married, had children, and bought a house. Part of me has been waiting to feel like I am a ‘proper grown-up.’ I thought it might happen when I became a mother, but no. When I bought a house? No. People have shared that it happened to them when their last parent died. So I thought perhaps it would happen then.
For some reason, it is now. On my 45th birthday, for a reason I don’t understand, I feel like a ‘proper grown-up’. Perhaps it has more to do with my feeling on the inside than what is happening externally.
On the inside, there is a feeling of knowing exactly who I am and what I stand for. I am in touch with a deep well of compassion and love for myself and others. It may be the feeling of having walked a long and winding road in my life, of having gathered a lot of wisdom along the way. Perhaps it is all of that.
So, Happy Birthday to me! At last – a proper grown-up.
All my love, Jen
