There is a cycle we all go through while we are healing. It is the cycle of discovery, healing and then growth. As we discover, it can be confronting. It can be confronting to watch yourself push your partner away or lose it with your child and feel you have no control over it. This usually pushes us into healing as we ask what we can do about it, and we start to make changes.
If this is something you have had to work with, talking to a therapist or other supportive people outside of your family can be…
How do I ask for what I need? The most important part is KNOWING what you need. Often, we are not really clear about…
Protest behaviours are ways of communicating. They have either been role modelled in your family of origin, or you have adapted them to stay safe in some way.
For example, you might have witnessed your mother get angry about your father’s behaviour, but rather than confront him, she might have sulked and been passive-aggressive. Maybe this was role modelled to her in her family of origin.
When you go into a relationship for yourself, against your better judgement, you find yourself using the same methods of communication; sulking, withdrawing, slamming doors etc.
Yes, it’s a form of communication. But is it the most effective form of communication? Do you get the results you want from communicating in this way? Are you likely to have your authentic needs met? NO! Because they are not being expressed! It takes courage to say what we need and why.
How can your partner know that you are upset because they didn’t call unless you let them know? Not answering their calls the following day and posting pictures of you with your ex on social media is ONE form of communication, but it is not a CELAR form of communication.
Communicating your need might sound like this:
“Hey, I felt worried about you when you said you would call last night, and I didn’t hear from you, and then I felt hurt. So I’m wondering what happened?”
“Ah, I laid down on the sofa and fell asleep. I’m so sorry!”
There are many subtle ways the cycle breaker is shamed in the family; I hope the list above is helpful in spotting some of…
BE HONEST – don’t hide your real needs for fear of being rejected, if you are rejected, this is a great indication you are not going to be happy in this relationship long term. If you are honest and accepted, this is also great information! It’s a win-win for you.
BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR NEEDS – Make sure these needs respect your partner. Rather than expressing what you DON’T want, express what you DO need. Make it a clear action, that is not a demand. It needs to be a request. It’s a request when there is understanding towards your partner’s response.
AVOID CRITICISM AND JUDGEMENT – When the other person feels criticised and judged their immediate reaction is to defend themselves, and this will prevent them from really hearing what you have to say.
DON’T MAKE EXCUSES FOR YOUR NEEDS – Your needs ARE valid. Don’t fall into the trap of over explaining WHY you need what you need.
Here are some situations, some old communication styles, that don’t work, and some new ways to communicate to help get your needs met.
I hope you find them helpful!
SITUATION – When you talk to them, they are not really listening. It makes you feel disrespected and unimportant
GAME PLAYING – You stop mid-sentence and storm off, expecting them to come after you and apologise.
CLEAR COMMUNICATION – Sharing that you value their input in your life and sharing your thoughts and experiences with them, “Would you be willing to put your phone down for 5 minutes and hear me?”
SITUATION – They haven’t made contact in two days and you feel worried about the relationship.
GAME PLAYING – You tell them you have been out with an ex (that will show them!)
CLEAR COMMUNICATION – “When you don’t contact me for a few days I start to feel nervous because I value our relationship. Would you be willing to let me know when you won’t be able to contact me for a few days?”
SITUATION – You find out through social media that your partner was out on Saturday night without you and you feel rejected.
GAME PLAYING – You post pictures of yourself with hot guys all over social media and don’t answer his calls.
CLEAR COMMUNICATION – “When you don’t let me know what you are doing on the weekend, I feel disappointed and agitated, because I need a sense of safety in our relationship. I’m wondering if in the future you would be able to let me know what you are up to on the weekend, even if they are last minute plans?”
Knowing our needs can be difficult when we have been taught that our needs are not important or should be placed after everyone else’s needs. This is a type of trauma. We are being separated from our most basic instinct, to tune into our body and meet our needs.
Think about hunger. We need this physical impulse to tell us when and how much to eat. If this impulse is denied and pushed down, again and again, there is a resulting imbalance and self-denial at the most primal level.
Cycle breakers will often feel out of place in their family. That’s tough because it leaves you feeling isolated. But you just can’t tow the family line anymore. You can’t listen to any more suggestions that there is something wrong with you or to keep quiet. Most families have a cycle breaker. Let me know if it’s you.
Have you ever marvelled at how some people seem to know exactly what they need at any given moment? Do you often feel numb…