Identifying Your Needs If You Are Avoidantly Attached

Have you ever marvelled at how some people seem to know exactly what they need in any given moment? Do you often feel numb and have no idea? This is one of the traits of the avoidantly attached.

The avoidantly attached have learned to bury their needs because their primary caregiver didn’t respond to them. The person they were trying to get these needs met through was not available to meet their needs, they were overwhelmed with life themselves or narcissistic or abusive.

This can make it VERY hard for avoidantly attached people to identify and acknowledge their needs. They will often find themselves in a moment of conflict feeling totally numb, with no idea what they need in that moment. Does this sound familiar?

What the avoidantly attached needs to do is to spend time learning to re-connect with their body and their deep needs. At first this can be scary, but with persistence, gentle feelings and needs will emerge. It is a wonderful practice to use the feeling wheel (a Gottman method tool) to identify the nuances of an emotion, so rather than ‘sad’ the feeling might be ‘inferior’. This practice, over time, will help the avoidant identify both feelings and needs.

What do YOU really need?

  • You are allowed to need space from certain relationships
  • You are allowed to need time alone for a while (avoidants need more of this than most)
  • You are allowed to take a break
  • You are allowed to take a day off
  • You are allowed to have NEEDS

Take a moment to stop

  • Focus on your breathing
  • Let everything slow down (drop in)
  • Breath down into your belly for at least 10 slow breaths
  • From this quiet place ask:
  • What do I need right now?
  • What do I need today?
  • What do I need this week?

If the answer is “I need a whole tub of ice-cream”, acknowledge that and drop deeper. Yes, I hear PART of me wants a tub of ice-cream. I get that. That’s my old pattern. What does the me that exists UNDER my patterning need now?