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Breaking the Shame Cycle

ByJennifer Nurick
Breaking the Shame Cycle When children don’t receive the love and attunement they need from caregivers, they will often assume it is something to do with them, that they are flawed somehow. This often carries over into adulthood, in the form of low self-esteem and feelings of deep shame. The experiences that created these feelings repeatedly happened over the years, so it makes sense that it takes a while to heal. Know that the cycle can end with you.

Shame is often transmitted through family lines. Parents use shame-based parenting, the children grow up with shame and use shame-based parenting, and the pattern is repeated.

Shame is something that comes up in therapy regularly. One of the most powerful ways to work with shame is using self-compassion. When you hear yourself thinking:

“I’m so dumb; I always make mistakes.” 

  1. Notice the thought – “um – that’s one way of looking at it”.
  2. Where does it come from? “This comes from my mother always telling me I was dumb”.
  3. What evidence might disprove this? “Well, I passed all of my high school exams, and I’m doing well at work”.
  4. Reframe – “I made a mistake, and I can learn from it. I’m human, and we all make mistakes”.

Remember to be gentle with each thought as it comes. These thoughts took years to build up and will take a while to break down. You got this!

Love Jen

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Jennifer Nurick is a Master's-qualified Clinical Psychotherapist, attachment and trauma therapist and couples therapist with over 20 years in private practice. She helps adults and couples heal anxious and avoidant attachment, childhood trauma and recurring relationship patterns, drawing on IFS, EMDR and Emotionally Focused Therapy. Jennifer is the author of Heal Your Anxious Attachment (New Harbinger), host of the Psychotherapy Central Podcast and founder of Psychotherapy Central.

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