How do I ask for what I need? The most important part is KNOWING what you need. Often, we are not really clear about what our needs are. They get mixed up in the jumble of what we DON’T want. It is essential to be clear in yourself that you have needs and wants, and they are important. We are often clear about what we don’t want. For example, we know we don’t want our partner to stare at their phone when we speak, we don’t want them to be talking to their ex every other day, and after you cooked a great meal, we don’t want them to leave all the washing up for you to do. It is so easy to launch into a tirade of: “You never listen to me, it’s so rude, I’m talking, and you are staring at your phone. I might as well go home right now.” This expresses what you DON’T want, called a ‘negative need’, then adding a threat to the end. Let’s try expressing what you DO want, a ‘positive need’: “When I am talking to you, and you are looking at your phone, I feel disappointed and frustrated because I value connection and your input into my life. Would you be willing to put your phone down for 5 minutes and hear me?”